[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
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every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Feels
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what