me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
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Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Happens to everyone.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said