[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
You Might Also Like
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u