Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
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Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs