Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
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Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.