My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
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Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special