a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
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[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
i smell a pulitzer
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
I’ve had worse
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security