her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
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At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks