you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
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Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
a fate I wish upon no one