Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
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hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
“and how does that make you feel?”
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.