Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
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For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
live long and prosper!