As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
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Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
congratulations to them
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?