We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
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If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
this is me
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
🤔😂😂
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
6: are snakes just neck?