I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
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I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]