*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
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PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
fired
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.