You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
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It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
“What?”
– Jude
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.