I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
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I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
taking June’s advice to heart
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.