If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
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If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I need this for my side hustle.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*