My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 馃檨
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Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
If empaths don鈥檛 exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you鈥檙e frustrated with me and you think I鈥檓 stupid
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we鈥檝e been doing the last seven years?
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won鈥檛 get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Me: I鈥檓 terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home