50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
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Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Easy enough.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.