“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
You Might Also Like
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.