My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
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M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]