6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
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“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.