I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
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*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
so, is there a mister shapen head
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.