I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
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I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go