*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
You Might Also Like
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that鈥檚 not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I鈥檒l allow.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they鈥檒l probably go bad.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn鈥檛 sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They鈥檙e expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 馃檪
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg