My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
You Might Also Like
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
marvel comics have peaked