If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
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Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
How did we not see this back then?
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Everything reminds me of my ex
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.