push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
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Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
*seductively corrects your posture*
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.