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When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less