She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
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“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*