Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
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Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Make new friends? bro out of what?
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
lol
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?