There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
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Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
yeah 😭
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S