My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
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Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl