Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
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If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no