Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
You Might Also Like
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
back to work
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.