mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
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[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Is this you?
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda