Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
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I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Smells like a challenge to me
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no