I’m giving up for Lent.
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[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Cool shirt 🙂
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!