People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
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I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.