ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
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I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
guilty
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
this has to be peak English
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?