[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
You Might Also Like
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”