I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
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*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.