ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
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If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Flock of bats
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.