Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
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So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya