*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
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Happy Taco Tuesday
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.