[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
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him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too