13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
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Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
how long have you had this for?
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.