*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
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Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.