If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
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Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*